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This blog is now all about my personal life, including updates concerning Jerry's health. For quilt and pattern related posts please visit

Friday, August 8, 2014

Coming to terms, and how I deal with it. a.k.a. "Answers"

*this blog has become my personal blog. If you wish to read about fabric or quilting please find me at *

For many of you reading this, you have only just met me thanks to Ozark fabric or Ahhhhs. Yet for many of you, you knew me well before those two things existed. Before life revolved around Jerry's health.

The time line (bear with need to read this even if you explains things) :

Four years ago Jerry had a stroke. It was fairly large but a blessing in that the portion of the brain that it was contained in didn't affect his daily life other than he was slower to respond mentally than before and, as with any stroke patient, had some fussy issues that went away after time.

Two years ago Jerry was sick. Really sick. He was literally dying in front of my eyes and no one knew why. I begged that they find something. We took him to the ER 9 times over a three month period! He had a gall bladder removed for no reason. He had stroke after stroke. He had internal bleeding. The doctor gave me not much hope..oh look..another stroke. Then, in one day, it all was figured out. Took 3 months..but it was figured out. 

Not over night, but soon all was o.k. Not perfect, but o.k.

       Most of you remember this. Most of you are tired of hearing of it. But ... can you imagine being me and living that.. having it finally behind you and just two short years it all over again?! 

The strain of the last two years has nearly broken the hillbilly (me). I said nearly. Without Christ..I think it would have. Because I've been on the brink a few times and then had to remind myself where to put my faith.

The last three months have been the largest test. I have been a wreck of emotions. The repeat of unknowns again. The watching my husband deteriorate. Again. The having no one listen. Again. Going to ER rooms and doctor offices and coming home empty handed. Again. I thank the Lord that Jerry hasn't had strokes this time. I think that would have been my final straw. I think I just could not have handled that.

But I will say my wreck of emotions has been more fragile than it was two years ago. I attribute that to a few things.
1) Facing it. Again. (have I said... Again?)
2) Spending more time with work and less time with God. I need to fix this. God has to help me. I see the $$ and the bills and the loss of pay with each missed work day.
3)Hormones. I am 45. With a 4 year old kid. And tired. Where's that chocolate bar?

But of just a few hours ago.. I feel FREE. I do, seriously! Did we get some great news about Jerry? Nope. In fact, we were both in tears this morning. But we got news. That is what I needed. NEWS. They found it. I can take all that worry from the last three months and just place it in someone elses hands. Now I don't mean spiritually here. I have always placed things in God's hands. But I still had to do the work of making my stubborn husband and the equally frustrating health care system LISTEN to me. Now that I don't have to prove anything, do you realize what a load of burden that is off my shoulders? I think my husband didn't know how to take my feeling of happiness this evening.

Why? well, his prognosis isn't great. Not grim. But not great. It's that liver. Only it's not just the Hep C as we thought. He also has cirrhosis of the liver...caused from a combo of the hep c, the chrons drugs that attack the liver, and his severe diabetes. This morning one doctor said he will eventually need a transplant.

Now I ask you... how would you take that? Remember..this is a man that likes to have multiple strokes when off blood thinners. This is a man with so many other diseases attacking his body. This is a man that has already been through so much. Is it worth it? Would he even want to try? We. Just. Didn't. Know. It was a tough morning.

But then this afternoon Mr. Liver doc man walked in and told us that they are going to continue with the plan of trying to get approved for Hep C treatments and these treatments can actually help the cirrhosis . His prognosis isn't as good as it was just last week. He might still need a transplant someday. But no one knows. And no one will know until we see how Jerry responds to treatments.

Now: the SCARY part (s):
1) Jerry's health has declined even this week while in the hospital; his eyes being the tell tale sign. They've gone from being a very mild yellow at times that only his wife noticed to being a nice yellow color that is obvious. In 4 days. That is scary.
2) The treatment originally had a two month waiting list. Will he get bumped up? How much will he decline during this wait? How much more can his body take?
3) He has to work. This pill is $1000 a day for 12 weeks. He needs that insurance. Has to happen.
4) The insurance company still has to approve it.
5) It might not work. Jerry has a LOT going on inside that body of his...
6) What about Chrons? If his chrons meds attack his liver..well, what then?

These things we cannot know. But this I do know. I don't have to fret over them. They are out of my control completely now. I can raise them up to One that knows best. We can live, and breathe and watch and wait. Be patient and see how God works through it.

Of course, with all that has happened over the last four years, Jerry and I have talked about the what ifs. Me more than him. I told him tonight that we know he won't live forever. I mean.. if he lives to Stephen's adult hood that will be a Miracle for all to behold! But Jerry has been given a gift that many men do not get. He has the ability to plan and settle things for his family. And if he pulls through the next 15 years... Wonderful! If he doesn't..then we are not caught off guard.

We have put a stop on our attempted purchase of the house around the corner. The deal was almost in our hand! We almost had a real live home with a real live yard for Stephen to play in and a real live warehouse for the business. But I am calling the banker tomorrow and telling him that, nope, it's not meant to be. We need to just see how this plays out. We need to wait... and watch..

Monday when Jerry went into the hospital, when I picked Stephen up from his sister's house, I sat him on my lap and told him that his daddy was in the hospital. Stephen, bless his sweet spirit, laid his head on my shoulder with a couple of very quiet sobs and said, "my daddy would be sick forever." I did not promise him otherwise. I just comforted.

Tonight Stephen had a meltdown when leaving the hospital. He just could not get over leaving his daddy there. So, I had to sit him on my lap and say, "Stephen... your daddy WILL be sick forever. But also, Stephen, God created you very very special. He made you STRONG. You have a daddy that needs you to care for him. Other little boys don't have to care for their sick daddies but you do. And that means God trusts you to do that. Its a big job but He knew you could handle it so that is why God gave you your daddy that needs extra special care."

Stephen is whimpering in his sleep. It breaks my heart. Rest easier my son. I am bringing your daddy home to you tomorrow. Yellow eyes and all. We will wait this out..together.


Tonya Owens said...

and yep, I spelled cirrhosis correctly now..

Kelly G said...

Oh Hunny!
Sending you and all your precious family massive squishy cyber hugs. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make things better for you all, as do I wish I could comfort you with words of wisdom from my own experiences living with Ulcerative Colitis and a mother who is on the liver transplant list herself from cirrhosis too. All I can tell you is that you have an amazing group of friends and family who love you all to pieces and who will always be here for you, whenever you need us. xxxx

QuiltSue said...

I suppose the only good thing from all of this now is that at least you know what's going on, and the decisions that have to be made are someone else's.

I'm so sorry Tonya for all that you're all facing.

Belinda said...

My heart breaks. Literally. But, we know that there is one Great Physician who is ultimately in control of Jerry's health and His will is perfect. We were never promised good health, but we are promised that He will never leave us or forsake us. Your faith will indeed see you through and God has a plan.

I know your heart is heavy, but God has given you enough information that you can rest in Him now. He has taken the biggest question away and is helping you to come to terms with it all.

Stephen's heartache is so hard to deal with, I'm sure. The poor little thing hasn't had it easy either. We will continue to pray earnestly for all of you. It may seem like healing is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

You have our love and our prayers.

beaquilter said...

so sorry about all this but also glad that they have a diagnosis. praying for you guys

Ann Marie @ 16 Muddy Feet said...

i think you should still go for the house, because if it is meant to be it will happen and all work out for the best, if it is not meant to be, the loan won't go thru anyways. I am glad you finally got answers even if they aren't the best answers to get. The unknowing is the worse. Hang in there, the Hillbilly will survive!

Jacque said...

Lifting you all up in my prayers...God is good, and He hears. Love you!

elliek said...

What to say? You are so in my thoughts and prayers , miracles do happen. Transplants work as you know. I pray that Jerry is still around, healthy in 15 years and more!Cyber hugs and loads of prayers.

Dora, the Quilter said...

I understand that it's so good to finally know. I also understand (perhaps too well)that you look back at the last four years and are surprised that you have made it through. I have few words to offer you, but am blessed by your faith, and I will continue to lift your family in my prayers, as will everyone else who is praying for you.

Rosa said...

Lo siento mucho .Lo mejor de todo es que al final del tunel ya sabes lo que tiene tu marido.

Espero que poco a poco las cosas vayan mejorando.

Un fuerte abrazo y seguir luchando.

Robin said...

Praying for you all Tonya...what a heaven burden for your family to carry :(